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Ann Coulter
250px|thumb|right|The next best thing to a barbie doll when you're grounded and locked in your sister's room. CAUTION: The reader should be aware that this article is not, and may never be, as funny as the truth. Still, we have time on our hands Anton Heinz Kohler, born Dec. 8, 1931, in Berlin, was a troubled child. He could often be found maiming rodents or setting fire to the shacks of peasants. It wasn't until his mid-teens that Anton discovered he wanted to be a woman. A vile woman that would spew hatred to the world. Thus, Ann Coulter was born. Heinz at first only masqueraded as a woman. He would shave his body, tuck his phallus between his legs and hide under a facade of makeup, bad wigs and ragged dresses. At one point in his life, he even tried skinning women and sewing their skin into a woman costume. It wasn't until 1986 that he dared to undergo gender reassignment surgery. However, the surgery was badly botched by Dr. Albrecht von Franken. The result was a hideously deformed woman who could only be loved by Ron Silver. Coulter, mistaking liberal pundit and unfunny comedian Al Franken for the treacherous doctor that orchestrated her malformed visage, has relentlessly pursued Al Franken. Like David Banner, she will not stop until she has laid to rest the tortured, Godful soul that dwells within her. Books Ann Coulter's literature is a lone bastion of truth in a world gone mad. For this reason, liberals, treehuggers, moonbats, socialists, minorities, and countless millions of people call her a shameless hateful bitch. Thought provoking musings found in Ann's books like the Democratic Party's affection for Osama bin Laden, 9/11 widows enjoying the deaths of their husbands, and Ann's personal dilemma of Timothy McVeigh not going far enough because he didn't mass murder the staff of the New York Times or poison any activist judges, are just a few the factinesses that mainstream authors today are too cowardly to utter in this PC driven society. Ann's books also seem to be lax in using facts. Stephen Colbert came out recently admitting to bieng a huge fan of the rightwing diva. "No facts. All heart. Her books are fantastic," Colbert raved. "well not too much heart in their either I suppose... uhh.... .. she's got huge balls, most certianly." Coulter's Classic Crème Brûlée A straightforward and unpretentious creation that is so simple, so rich, so praised! 8 egg yolks 1/3 cup granulated white sugar 2 cups heavy cream 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract 1/4 cup granulated white sugar (for the caramelized tops) 2 4-oz. packs Rampage brand Rodent bait Preheat oven to 300ºF. In a large bowl, whisk together egg yolks and sugar until the sugar has dissolved and the mixture is thick and pale yellow. Add cream and vanilla, and continue to whisk until well blended. Strain into a large bowl, skimming off any foam or bubbles. Divide mixture among 6 ramekins or custard cups. Place ramekins in a water bath (large pan filled with 1 or 2 inches of hot water) and bake until set around the edges, but still loose in the center, about 50 to 60 minutes. Place rodent bait chunks in a 10-inch bowl and chop fine. Combine with remaining sugar. Remove ramekins from oven and leave in the water bath until cooled. Remove cups from water bath and chill for at least 2 hours, or up to 2 days. When ready to serve, sprinkle sugar and Rampage mixture over each custard. For best results, use a small, hand-held torch to melt sugar. If you don't have a torch, place under the broiler until sugar melts. Re-chill custards for a few minutes before serving. Ann Coulter Trivia * On the Evil-o-meter, Ann Coulter falls between the ranks of Adolf Hitler and Nazi propagandists. * Ann Coulter enjoys mowing her front yard. But unlike other people, Ann buries live kittens up to their necks in the lawn before firing up the motor. * Ann is certified as a profesional whore. She doesn't deny this fact. Ann takes her job very serioulsy. Seriously. * After having gratuitous sex with a large stallion-horse, Coulter birthed forth Davey Havok, the front man of the rock band AFI, from her meaty swollen cock. * Most of Ann Coulter's lovers have been donated to her by lazy gravediggers. Still, she has always remained the coldest fish in her bed. * Ann is not truly beautiful as some have suggested. She is, in fact, one chromosome short of being an actual birth defect. Despite this hideous handicap she does possess a quality that could be described as "beautiness" which is the state of having several qualities of beauty that somehow fail to form a whole that is in fact beautiful. * Sometime in April, 2005, this man fucked Ann in the ass, hard. * Was originally cast as Skeletor in "Masters of the Universe," however test audiences ran screaming out of the theater. The studio was forced to replace her with Maria Shriver. * Full of truthiness. * Full of shit. *At one time had a romantic affection for Bill Clinton and wanted desperately to get in those pants, although the reverse was not true. * Claimed that former President Bill Clinton is gay. It was later revealed that Clinton revealed to her he was gay as a polite excuse for "not hitting on her bony ass." Because he's only gay when it comes to evil, crazy bitches. *In February, 2004, several NASA satellites were pulled off course due to the immense gravitational force emitted by Ann Coulter's Adam's Apple. Real Quotes